I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
