Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
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