I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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