Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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