i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
