Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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