If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
