i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
