I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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