I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
