guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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