my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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