she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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