this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I enjoy the company of your penis
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
