My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize