i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
