I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
