Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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