while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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