Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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