my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
