Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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