I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
