She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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