We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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