Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
