On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
