I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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