Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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