We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
We left the knife in your bed.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
