Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
