There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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