so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
