I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize