My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
