The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
