i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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