I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
