Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Randomize
