he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
