Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
