yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
