guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
