My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Randomize
