i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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