So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
