I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
