dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
