The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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