your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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