It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
