can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
