Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I'm really busy with my period
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
