Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
You have to summon your inner elephant
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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