Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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