My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize