My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Randomize
