it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
