you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
