I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
