Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
